Or, I think they call this 'holistic' for a reason...

As many of you know, my feet are a little fucked up. I am duck-toed, I have high arches, and I have a lot of weight and a large frame sitting on a pair of medium-sized tootsies. I used to suffer from acute ankle pain a lot, the kind where I got really good at wrapping elastic bandages around myself. I currently have plantar fasciitis. I love my feet, but, dang.

The doctor I had in high school and college told me once that if I didn't attend assiduously to the health of my feet, that eventually I would have problems in my knees, and then my hips, lower back...

And sure enough, I had a bum knee for a while, too.

He never told me about my shoulder, though.

But lo! According to my chiropractor, apparently a large part of my shoulder pain can be traced to a certain twist in my posture. I carry my right hip wrong--tilted forward. This puts strain on my shoulder. I can totally feel what he's talking about, too.

And I can also feel it all the way down my legs, into my knees and my feet.

Sigh.

(ObJoke: When I said I was twisted, this is not what I meant.)

It's a definite advantage to be a nearly-forty fat chick when it comes to the aftermath of pregnancy.

There's a lot of anxiety expressed about the changes that pregnancy works on a woman's body, and a lot of words written or said in reassurance, a lot of creams and exercise advice sold, and so on, and so on.

Women worry that they'll be fat. Well, I am already fat.*

They worry about stretch marks. I already have stretch marks.

They worry about sagging breasts. Guess what? Already there, too.

Post-pregnancy, so far, I feel a little softer around the middle, it's true. And I think I may end up a bit more curvy-looking than I was before (now I have hips!). My clothes (and shoes) may not fit right any more, although I haven't really checked yet.

I'm OK with all of that. I'm not at war with my body, not trying to engage in any holding actions or anything. Being a middle-aged fat chick means I'm more psychologically prepared to take what comes. I have less to lose, I suppose. That's one way of looking at it. Or, more tools to take what comes on its own terms, is another.


* I was very disappointed when my breastfeeding class opened with the very good question, "we know the advantages of breastfeeding for children; what are some advantages for the mother?" And the first answer from the peanut gallery was a perky shout of "weight loss!"

Of course, as noted earlier today, it's also true, if you consider weight loss an advantage. I consider it just another fact. Actually, I'm kind of glad at the moment that I come with extra padding to begin with -- I can afford to lose some more, if things continue to go that way. I have a built-in margin of error. That's kind of reassuring at the moment.

1.

I may not have been forthcoming to my friends, my loved ones, and my readers here as to how much my shoulder actually hurts sometimes. Sometimes, not all the time. Well, OK, it hurts all the time, really, or at least every day. Sometimes it's just sore and tender when touched, and sometimes it's tight and achy and twingy and horrible.

This weekend (well, Saturday), it was the latter.

So, I bought a heating pad. And I started on some upper body exercises again. And I'm working on going back to regular massage.

For Mother's Day, I called my Mom (whose birthday is today!) and asked her about her history with heating pads. She used to use one all the time, but I couldn't remember why. Turns out it was for a stiff neck. "Try changing your chair," Mom told me. I told her that I'd switched chairs with the job, and switched chairs at home, and it didn't seem to help. Which brings us to our next point.

My shoulder has hurt on and off for almost as long as I have been an adult. It got worse when I went back to work full-time, and I took a short course in physical therapy which helped relieve the pain (and gave me tools for future relief) but not resolve it. There's something weirdly wrong with my body posture such that I carry my left shoulder higher than my right naturally, and while I am trying to retrain myself the results are middling. So some of the reason I don't talk about it all the time is precisely because it's there *all the time*, and it never resolves, so what's the point of mentioning it now?

Anyway, the heating pad did wonders and I hurt hardly at all on Sunday.

Also, sometimes when I seem vaguely irritated, I might just be in pain. Remember, hurts all the time.

I promise to talk to my new doctor about this (again) when I finally have a new doctor.

I cried a little while I was sitting on the heating pad, because it was such a relief.


2.

Instead of shoulder pain, I had a migraine on Sunday.

Migraines I don't mind so much, because if I hold still they don't hurt, plus they tend to go away. Eventually.

I'm glad this one did, so I could spend some time in the sun and seeing a friend. I am sad that it made me miss smashing things, though. Well, OK, I chose to miss smashing things because I thought it would be prudent.

I think the migraines are the result of allergies plus braces. I hate these rubber bands, man, with a passion.


3.

I would like a make-up weekend, please.


4.

Good weekend things include:

The shrimp and snap pea stir-fry I made for Sunday dinner was tasty. I added marmalade and black bean garlic sauce as seasonings. It ended up neither as tart nor as sweet as I expected, but that's OK.

I have surprise cheeses in my fridge.

I made strawberry shortcake for dinner on Saturday (not dessert, just dinner). The lads say they couldn't tell the difference, but I threw out the old baking powder and bought a new tin, and I think it made a difference in terms of tenderness. Also, I added a little bit of vanilla to the whipped cream this time, and that was quite nice. I'm having fun just cutting the shortcakes into different shapes instead of using a biscuit cutter (which I don't have, I use a can or a drinking glass). Also, the dough is fun to pat out (see cooking, hands, below) and also a good metaphor and thus a palpable reminder for my writing process.

The heating pads are stored right above the vibrators at the drug store. I swear. there was even a Pocket Rocket.

The weather was glorious and I got to walk around in it twice: farmer's market on Saturday and Mission-Dolores on Sunday.

I have a new bead in my earring, and two new earrings on order so that I can match soon. The bead was free. Also, it was hard not to contemplate new holes in my body. Not sure what that's about. I'm having ink cravings too.

A bunch of white irises so gorgeous, I got complimented on them just carrying them home from the market.

I set up the barbell and got the pad out of the closet. My wrists as well as my shoulder are going to appreciate the attention, I can already tell.

My nasturtiums are coming up.

1. It occurs to me that I might not be so much cryptic here as oblique. Yes, there is a difference. And I am comfortable with the latter.

2. Last night's dinner (at Incanto, if you're keeping score) was delicious. It featured a lot of innards: tripe, gizzards, liver. I think my favorite was the chicken liver ravioli in brown butter sauce, but it was all lovely. I also had a lot of tiny little sips of different wines, which was fun. I like the idea of the mystery flight, and next time I might try it myself. Also, my description of what kinds of wine I like is both true and funny: "easy, but with a bottom."

3. Last night's massage was very nice, and my shoulder does not feel as bad this morning. I have another in two weeks. We discussed the strange leftish pull of my body a little. It was interesting.

4. Leaving the house I was staying over at (for the last time) and coming to work was hard. The fog didn't help either.

5. Your turn. What do you have for me today? What's in the bag?

Stayed home sick with a major attack of vertigo this morning. It's gone now, thank goodness, or I would still be on my back in bed.

What I want to say:

a) Don't panic. This is familiar, if very infrequent. (It's often associated with migraines, but I didn't get one today.)

b) Don't feel guilty. I have no fever, no other sick symptoms.

c) It might have something to do with my neck and shoulder pain. I am calling a massage therapist as soon as I sign off.

d) Just for fun: it's not the lightheadedness kind of vertigo, but the heavy-headed sensation, of being pulled at an angle toward the floor.

e) Did you know that there's also a form of vertigo where it feels like you're stable but other objects around you are moving (when they're not -- otherwise, it'd be motion sickness)? I didn't!