pantryslut | (no subject)

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The more time I spend on FetLife, the more I begin to revert to my idea that (despite any play or publishing or other professional or volunteer credits to the contrary) I'm not a member of the 'scene,' I just really like rough sex.

And spanking people.

And knives.

And...oh, forget it. But you know what I mean.

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I think being in the scene require socializing among perverts - or maybe a big chunk of social time is about being a pervert? At least, I've never been part of the "scene" and I've always chalked it up to having a lot of civilian friends and failing to show up to many perv focused shindigs. I go to sex parties now and then, but usually I have sex and then leave. I don't know, I tend to run from any environment where there is a popularity-based class system.

Yeah. FetLife is...uh...yeah. Sometimes I want to laugh hysterically, other times I am concerned for everyone involved, and other tiems I want to say "you do realize that I actually *do* these things as opposed to spending hours pontificating on the proper form of how people should do them?"

I am a bad person.

yeah.

i also have this thing where there are some things i read about online or talk to friends who do, and i am suddenly convinced that i am the most vanilla of the vanilla ever, and then i talk to another set of people and for some reason they don't keep their rope and carabiners and lighters and pretty knives in the bedroom and give me these *looks* when i am surprised about that.

i also have this thing where there are some things i read about online or talk to friends who do, and i am suddenly convinced that i am the most vanilla of the vanilla ever

This happens to me so often that I honestly do believe that as far as these things go, I actually am pretty darn vanilla.

Aw. Icon love!

I've been mostly using it to find old friends from way back when, and connecting with new folks in SF and PDX.

I'm wary of discussions tho. I have some ideas about how I like my D/s, but that's what works for me, not for anyone else. :)

Tho I have to say, you want a rant, the fact that local SF event producers can't seem to get information out about any events in a reasonable amount of time make me UTTERLY CRAZY: eg, event tomorrow night, details show up at 1:30 am this morning... THIS is more that its making sure it stays a clique and never becomes accessible to those of us who have an entire life outside of our kinky sex and other relationships.

I hear you. I've not ventured on to FetLife, although an increasing number of people I know, like, and fuck are there, and seem to think it is a good thing.

I also wonder how much of my perception is based in my amazing ability to normalize my own life. Really? Most people don't keep a sharps container in their bedroom? Are you sure, or is it that you just have not seen it there? Really? Most people don't come when you hit them repeatedly? You're just flattering me I'm sure.

Academically, I think there is a difference between behaviour and identity. The behaviour is liking spanking people, and knives and whatever else you may get up to, the identity is "being part of the scene". For some people identity and behaviour overlap beautifully, for others, they do not map well onto each other - which to me explains all manner of things.

I sometimes wonder if my failure to identify as part of the scene is a problem. Am I failing in my political obligations to ensure sexual freedom? Am I letting others do the work and reaping the rewards (and scars and bruises)? I do want to keep my sex life and my work very separate, but I also feel that is appropriate. I would love to hear other's thoughts on this.

For me, I feel like I have a pretty solid professional/political/volunteer resume, as these things go, and my sex life and work life have crossed streams more than once (and will probably continue to do so).

Sometimes, in fact, I feel very much like a grizzled veteran grumbling about kids these days.

But then I meet other grizzled vets and feel alienated from them, too :) And then I'm stuck scratching my head and wondering if I'm just a misanthrope or something.

Yeah, that's not really what I mean. I too feel pretty good about my professional/political/volunteer experiences - it's just, not matter what I do, I always feel like I could do more. I too have had sex and work cross paths, including a photo shoot for SSSpread, so it's not that i am fundamentally opposed to this, it's just that the work I currently do, in schools is appropriately separate from my sex life (although I do manage to find work in schools for friends, lovers and fuck buddies, so I suppose it overlaps that way).

I also encounter these conversations in many places and am often left wondering who really feels like they belong. All too often, I don't think it is nearly enough of us.

As far as I can tell, you are not a misanthrope, just discerning.

Discerning sounds ever so much more positive, thank you :)

I'm trying very hard at the moment to get over my innate tendency to think I could be doing more on any given issue or project (and, accordingly, to beat myself up and/or tell myself I am a slacker, etc., which doesn't help me do more but sure helps me feel worse). Twins have been a blessing in disguise when it comes to that.

Hear hear.

I've found that a common interest in kinky sex is not an indicator for other common interests, nor is it enough of a basis for connection/friendship. Unless the connection is about having sex, of course.

Edited 2009-04-08 23:19 (UTC)

Yeah. I stopped doing things with "bisexuals" when all we had in common was bisexuality because I discovered that wasn't really very much in common at all - especially when that's their primary identification. I'm bisexual kind of like I'm bipedal, it's just a fact.

And this whole "scene" "community" whatever? Being kinky isn't enough in common, being queer isn't enough (though it's closer), being a gender activist, fat activist, whatever single facet isn't enough.

But that doesn't mean there isn't a "scene" or "community" that I'm part of - I think there is. It's just a lot smaller and harder to find than FetLife. The "articulate, reality-based, gender queer, sex positive, kinky, witty ..." well that's a start - that community, that scene. That's the one I belong to.

But another part of the problem with FetLife and online communities in general, is that for me, it's not enough that *you* might consider yourself part of that community. If I were to create a community that claimed to be for people having all the characteristics I describe above, it wouldn't work. Anyone who actually HAD those characteristics probably wouldn't join, and anyone who did join probably wouldn't have those characteristics.

Bottom line? I think there is a "scene" that you (and I) are part of - but you aren't likely to "find it" online. At best you might find some leads on people worth meeting. Mostly we're left with word of mouth, and kissing a few frogs to tell each other about the ones who aren't.

Yeah. I think I was misled by the number of people who really seemed to *like* FetLife. Some folks are clearly getting something out of it; me, not so much at the moment. I hang on b/c I *am* a part-time professional pervert and it feels helpful in a networking sense, but we'll see.

Besides, my newest seekrit mini-crush is on FetLife, and I like looking at the pictures :) (So I guess I am getting something out of it, too.)

Yup.

Me, I'm not part of the kinky scene or the poly community.

Whatevs.

Xoxo

Interestingly, I am totally OK with not being part of the poly community without feeling grumpy about it (much).

I'm fine being poly, having a community where lots of people are poly, without being part of some official poly community.

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