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Nov. 2nd, 2003 11:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pantryslutYou are all going to laugh at me for this one.
I just figured out that from my perspective, gender is entirely performative. As the situation warrants, I pretend to be one thing or another, and none of them ever fit comfortably for long periods or time -- but then again, stage costumes aren't meant to, are they?
Oh, you mean I'm expected to wear these things every day?
I don't suffer exactly from gender dysphoria -- I don't even like the term much. I know what I am, and I'm happy with it. There's just no category that describes me. Not even "close enough" for more than half a day at a time.
I get irritated with people who think that my appearance or percieved behavior means that I am 'x' and therefore expect me to act in 'x' ways and get surprised when I do 'y' instead. In other words, I'm grumpy at people who assign me a gender role and then expect me to stick to it. I didn't sign any contract, social or otherwise. Your assumptions are your problem.
But, out of politeness, I do perform gender. I pretend that I fit into one category or another a lot. And it doesn't really bother me, in the short term.
It was odd, realizing in a more visceral way than before, that for some people, gender is not performative at all. It's something deeper than that. That part is really hard for me to wrap my head around. I can observe it, I can describe it -- but I can't feel it.
Pretending is easier. I've been doing it since I was very small. It's not passing, exactly -- I think because I don't care so much about keeping the rest of me a secret. When I am performing gender, I am doing it for your comfort, not for mine. To put you at ease, to make things easier for you. I neither forget nor deny who I am when I perform. You may not realize the whole of what I might be -- but that's your problem.
I just figured out that from my perspective, gender is entirely performative. As the situation warrants, I pretend to be one thing or another, and none of them ever fit comfortably for long periods or time -- but then again, stage costumes aren't meant to, are they?
Oh, you mean I'm expected to wear these things every day?
I don't suffer exactly from gender dysphoria -- I don't even like the term much. I know what I am, and I'm happy with it. There's just no category that describes me. Not even "close enough" for more than half a day at a time.
I get irritated with people who think that my appearance or percieved behavior means that I am 'x' and therefore expect me to act in 'x' ways and get surprised when I do 'y' instead. In other words, I'm grumpy at people who assign me a gender role and then expect me to stick to it. I didn't sign any contract, social or otherwise. Your assumptions are your problem.
But, out of politeness, I do perform gender. I pretend that I fit into one category or another a lot. And it doesn't really bother me, in the short term.
It was odd, realizing in a more visceral way than before, that for some people, gender is not performative at all. It's something deeper than that. That part is really hard for me to wrap my head around. I can observe it, I can describe it -- but I can't feel it.
Pretending is easier. I've been doing it since I was very small. It's not passing, exactly -- I think because I don't care so much about keeping the rest of me a secret. When I am performing gender, I am doing it for your comfort, not for mine. To put you at ease, to make things easier for you. I neither forget nor deny who I am when I perform. You may not realize the whole of what I might be -- but that's your problem.
