pantryslut | Entries tagged with q&a

Is the parenting of your twins split evenly three ways? If G does more than S is it because G isn't working or because he's the bio dad?

G. and I split the "high-level decision-making" stuff, because G. and I are the bio-parents and that's what all three of us prefer. We try to split the day-to-day stuff more or less evenly three ways, but I think G. and I end up doing a little more because a) we're both home all day and Steven's at work, and b) Steven is happy to do more chore-like things instead.

Do you think you're going to homeschool? Do you think you're going to stay in the Bay Area when the twins are school-age?

I plan on staying in the Bay Area as long as it's feasible. I do not plan on homeschooling at this time, although I might consider a homeschool co-op type of situation. I honestly don't have a plan here because so much depends on finances.

I don't even know what you do for work. Full-time writing?

Part-time freelance writing, at the moment. I'm looking for more steady work as well.

Do you ever meet someone at a party or whatever and dismiss them as too square because of the way they're dressed, the person they're with, the job they say they do, or whatever? (Barring big old Republican Party t-shirts and so on.)

No. I don't really care about that stuff. I look for people I click with, not people to toss on the compost pile, if that makes sense. Everyone gets the benefit of the doubt until they've proved themselves a schmuck.

Also, I am hardly one to judge anyone as "too square."

Bonus Answer!

Nobody really asked this, but for the record:

Why do you call G. 'G.' but call Steven by his full first name?

G.'s full first name is Guy. As in, "I'm dating this guy. Named Guy. No, really, his name is Guy! He's a guy named Guy! No, not the French pronunciation, the English one!"

I hated the "guy named Guy" thing, so I abbreviated him as G. when he first started appearing in these entries. It stuck. That's all.

(I refer to the French pronunciation because it's also a small little in-joke in my head that "G." spoken aloud is "Gee," which is pretty close to said pronunciation, which is wrong, which is funny. To me. Anyway...)

Since I missed yesterday, I'm going to try and finish up today.

Who are some of your favorite visual artists? And are there any other art historians/art writers besides Whitney Chadwick who you really like?

Max Ernst, Man Ray, Hannah Hoch. Hans Bellmer (even if it makes me blush to admit). Claude Cahun. Alexander Rodchenko.

The "Dada Painters and Poets" anthology edited by Robert Motherwell was very influential to me as a young adult. Hayden Herrera's biography of Frida Kahlo was also, a little later. The anthology "Rrose is a Rrose is a Rrose: Gender Performance in Photography," with essays by Jennifer Blessing and Judith Halberstam, is very dear to me. "Stolen Glances: Lesbians Take Photographs" by Teresa Boffin and co. is, too.

Has your LiveJournaling changed since having kids?

I don't know if this was intended as a serious question or not, but I am going to take it seriously.

Yes, but aside from detailed exegeses of what the twins are eating this week :), I think it mostly has to do with the number of links I post. My last day job consisted in part of deliberately surfing the web for content; these days, I hardly surf at all. So, not as many links to interesting/infuriating/thought-provoking/pretty stuff, and the attendant discussions thereof.

(I forgot the link yesterday, and the header. Sorry. I notice I am remiss on tags, too.)

I'm gonna consolidate these two for expediency's sake.

How did you learn to facilitate so well?

Gosh, I don't know. I did attend a ten-hour training a long time ago in college which touched on this (among many other topics, though), but I think the rest is all observation and practice. I certainly don't feel like this is one of the strongest skills in my skill set, to be honest. More like I am merely solidly competent. (I know, there ain't no 'merely' about that. I know. Still.)

I plan to buy published works that have you or that you edited one day, but in the meantime, where can one go to get their pantryslut readin' fix?

Well, if you're local, you can always browse my brag shelf.

And, let's see, there's always Dead. Nude. Girls. and Cocksucker. And The Secret Life of Mr. Clean. And if you're really interested and/or a completist, there's Shrimping, a very short foot fetish story I wrote a long time ago.

Please keep in mind all fiction is fiction ;)

1. Are they identical or fraternal?

Fraternal.

2. Who's the father?

This is complicated. Genetically speaking,

black_pearl_10 is the father. Legally speaking, thanks to marriage laws (hey, didja know that one of the purposes of marriage is to 'legitimize' children, that is, give them a legal father regardless of genetic parentage?),

imnotandrei's name is on the birth certificate and thus the legal father, unless we try and mess with this down the road, which we might -- and possibly become a groundbreaking test case!

3. Where did you get their names from?

Mostly, I liked the way they sounded, that's all. 'Frances' is Steven's grandmother's name. 'Simone' was inspired by a radio ad for the opera, but also for Nina and de Beauvoir. 'April' and 'Leah' are my own whim.

Their second middle name is G.'s last name; their last name is the same as mine.

4. Can I come over?

If we know you personally, sure.

5. Can I hold them?

Yes. Wash your hands first.

6. How are the cats doing with all this?

Surprisingly well. Coaltrain is extra-needy, and Fritzi is overcoming her natural wariness, but overall, they seem to be adjusting just fine and mostly ignoring the babies.

7. Are you guys getting any sleep?

No. Well, OK, a little sleep, but not much.

8. Which one is Scooba and which one is Roomba? How do you know?

Simone is Roomba; April is Scooba. I knew which was which positionally in the womb, but I didn't know their names until I met them in person. (They actually spent a day as "Baby A" and "Baby B" b/c I hadn't had a chance to really meet Simone properly -- she was in the NICU and I was all IV'd up.)

9. Which one is older?

Simone, by two minutes. She is also the bigger one.

10. When can they come out to play?

In about a month.

Any other questions? Ask away!

From

sparkymonster via several people on my friend's list, because I liked the questions a lot.

1. List 5 things which are basic common knowledge in your culture, which people outside are unfamiliar with. This is not about obscurity, but something everyday to you, that others go "bzuh?" at.

a) Miracle Whip is really just sweetened mayonnaise, so there's no need to get yer panties in a wad over it.

b) College hockey has a very different game flow than pro hockey.

c) Pasties aren't just things that go on nipples.

d) You can buy birthday candles and paper plates at a party store, but you're more likely to just buy booze. (The penny candy selection, though, is also often awesome.)

e) I am not being affected when I pronounce "Belize" with three syllables.

2. What was the last book you read that was written by a person who is a different race than you? Do you seek out books written by people of other races? Why? Why not?

I am currently reading Walter Mosley's Always Outnumbered, Always Outgunned.

I seek out fiction and poetry written by people who are of different races than me. Nonfiction, less so, and I'm not sure why, unless it's theory, in which case I seek it out, too. It's just part of being broadly educated, for me.

3. What did you eat at dinner last night? Would you call it ethnic food? Why?

I had macaroni and cheese and a side salad (and two brownies, and two iced teas.)

Macaroni and cheese is the food of my people, yeah, but if I called it ethnic food, people would look at me funny.

4. Has your gender presentation changed over the last 5 years? Has this change/lack of change been a deliberate choice on your part?

When I went back to work in an office, I found myself surprisingly comfortable in butch-leaning business casual. It's now what I favor, given a choice.

Right now, though, I'm all about Maternity Comfort Clothes -- t-shirts and elastic-waist pants and such. It kind of bugs me sometimes, but oh well.

5. Do you discuss race and racism in your livejournal/blog or in person? Why have you made that choice?

Yes, though usually only in passing here on LJ. I am one of those folks who have decided that it's my responsibility as a well-meaning White person to talk to other White people about issues of race and racism, because, funny, such people listen to me more when I do that when they don't listen to my POC friends as much.

Of course, that fact drives me absolutely bonkers sometimes, especially as my, er, chosen idiom is not so much the calm voice of the middle-class well-educated person, most of the time.

6. Bonus question. Were you aware of International Blog Against Racism Week? Did you choose to participate in it? Why or why not?

Yes, I was aware of it, but I did not participate. I never participate in "Blog Against This Issue Day/Week/Month/Whatever." If the issue interests me, it will be integrated into the whole of my LJ reading/writing experience. If it doesn't, why waste my time and attention?

Rather than quote the actual questions here (you can see them at the original post), I've grouped things together into topics and restated the questions to help organize the material a little bit. If you feel you've been misquoted, or I missed the point, or I've forgotten you, just holler.

( Wait, you mean you can have penetrative sex while pregnant? I didn't know that. Details? )

( I want to know about positions! )

( How about your sex drive? Have your preferences or capabilities changed? )

( I hear your orgasms are different... )

( Do the babies react in any way to your having sex? How? )

And I think that about covers it! If you have more questions, go ahead and ask below.

Would you be insulted if I told you the first thought I had upon reading the news was, "I'm so glad they're breeding!"

Nope :)

Who is Steven? I didn't know there was a third, I think I've only really seen you and G. out together. Do you keep him locked in the basement of or something?

Steven (aka

imnotandrei) is my legal husband and longest-term partner. I think it's mostly coincidence that you (in particular) haven't met him; he was at the last Queer Open Mic, for example, and if I had known you didn't know each other I would have introduced you. It's true he is more of a homebody than G. or me, and he tends to stay away from dance clubs, big parties, and the marches, partly due to ADD overwhelmitude. You'll see him more often at readings, small parties, and things like that. Also, of course, if you come to any social occasion at my house, he'll be there, b/c we are a three-adult household.

I would like to take a nap with you. Can this be arranged? Because you would look awfully cute in a napping, puppy pile with me.

Yes, I think this can be arranged. :)

What do you want your parental title to be? And G. and Steven? Do you have a particular affinity or aversion to the usual Mom/Mama/Mommy/etc.?

I'm perfectly comfortable with "Mom/Mommy." I am willing to entertain more creative variations, however.

I think G. is happy with "Dad/Daddy." He might not be as amenable to embellishment :)

Steven wants to be known as "Bear Daddy" or "Uncle Bear Daddy."

How old are you? Was it difficult to get pregnant? Why do you want to have kids? What do you envision your parenting style will be, other than obviously AWESOME?

I'm 37. It took a long time, over a year, to get pregnant, and I was actually just beginning treatment for infertility when I got knocked up (I was doing my Clomid resistance test -- thus, twins. My last obs/gyn appointment was scheduled to be about discussing my blood test results, but, um, something came up. My blood tests, btw, were absolutely normal).

I'm one of those people who has always wanted kids. Not in a "because that's what you do when you're an adult" kind of nonreflective way, but in a more concrete way. I've done day care, I've babysat, I have several younger siblings and cousins that I watched growing up, and I can't explain it better than that I just knew I wanted a chance to see the process of raising up an entire person through. Also, you know, I want a chance to raise kids in my community and family structure. It's one I'd like kids to grow up in, and I have the ovarian resources to do it...

Also, I really wanted to experience the biological process of pregnancy. Not because I am some Earth Mother type (ha!), but more in a weird biology sort of way. Like a mad scientist, experimenting on myself.

I don't really know what my parenting style will be like -- or, maybe I have a sense of it, but don't know how to describe it. I am a big believer that kids are resilient and adaptable, and I have a feeling I will tend toward benign neglect once they're mobile and all. There's a reason I wanted multiple adults in a parenting role -- I want someone to hand off to so I can go write or read a book or take a nap in the garden. And I expect I will be encouraging a high degree of autonomy. Which should be fun when teenagerdom comes. :P

We are still discussing who gets to be good cop and who gets to be bad cop. We will probably alternate. Steven is permanently excused from the role and gets to be indulgent uncle instead.

But mostly, I am willing to figure it out as I go along.

What do you need from your friends to make this whole process more fun, comfortable, slightly less mind blowing, etc?

This is a very good question :) Your collective excitement has certainly helped so far!

I don't know how yet to anticipate my own needs, especially around the process of pregnancy -- I've never done this before! I will keep you all posted, for sure.

Right now, it helps to have people understand that I am prone to napping and favor low-key activities more than usual. Which is not to say you won't find me out dancing some night in the near future...

Offers to babysit, to cook (later) or feed us, help us get rid of some of our junk, are always appreciated. Invitations to tea, dinner, movies, etc. are also nice.

Checking in with Steven and G. is also good. I imagine they have different needs.

Also, I guess I've always assumed that your whole household will be involved with loving and feeding and changing and consoling and playing games with these little pickles, because I also assume that your extended families and chosen families will be involved in the same. Am I right?

Very much so!

Are you coming to WisCon? Should we throw a baby shower?

I am definitely coming to WisCon this year. It would be a little early to throw a shower -- I think I will be barely showing -- but I won't stop anyone :)

Who's the daddy and how's that going to work? or am I ignorant of your personal life lately?

G.'s the daddy. We're going to parent as a three-adult household. G. and Steven and I visited a lawyer last year and wrote up (and signed) a detailed parenting agreement, as well as our individual wills.

I'd ask Steven more about how he's choosing to handle his role. Briefly put, he's comfortable being in an advisory capacity, and in helping out day-to-day.

How do you maintain your equilibrium with such a rich life of lovers, partners, friends, creativity, work, and the activities of daily life?

Another very good question.

I have a very detailed day planner, and I try to be aware of and respect my own limits -- I need a certain number of nights at home, for example, or I will start to wig out. I check in a lot with my lads, and my friends, and my lovers. I try to be patient with other peoples' complicated lives. I believe in and count on good will and good communication.

And I give myself permission to let things slide sometimes. This is a big thing. If I don't write tonight, I will write tomorrow, and I won't waste energy beating myself up about it. If I can't make a tea date for next weekend, perhaps it will be the weekend after that -- or the month after, but the good intentions are there and will be acted upon. It took me a long time to realize that this is part of taking care of myself, along with good nourishing home-cooked food and plenty of sleep and taking my vitamins.

Do you think you'd be willing to take a photo of very pregnant self smoking, with another lit cigarette sticking out of your bellybutton?

Maybe, if we don't tell G. about it, and I don't inhale :) And if my belly button permits it.

What is proper etiquette with the poly/non-duo couples in not forgetting the other(s)?

Fort this sort of question, I always refer back to Drew Campbell's The Bride Wore Black Leather...And He Looked Fabulous! It's indispensible.

Basically, my rule of thumb is: if it's a one-on-one outing, like dinner or tea, it's OK to invite only one person. If it's a party or something similar, then one should invite all parties who live together as a household. If there are people who are couples/poly units but don't live together, I try to extend the invite to both/all if I know them all well, and just to the people I know, if I don't, with the implication that their partners are also welcome if they choose.

What's the thing you most hope your friends will do once the babies are here? (Or are most afraid your friends won't do?)

I hope they will babysit. I hope they will remember to invite me to stuff, and I hope they will remember I will sometimes be toting kids. I hope they will be willing to come on kid-oriented adventures with me. I hope they will still find me fun to hang out with when I am elbow-deep in diapers.

What's the most exciting non-baby-related thing in your life just now?

I am *this far* away from a big first draft!

Are you nervous?

A little. Not as nervous as I expected to be, by a long shot.

What will the living arrangements be?

Right now, all three of us -- me, G., Steven -- live together in a three-bedroom flat. Somehow, we are going to make room in there for two small babies by November. Eventually, we will have to move, but that's far enough in the future that I'm not fretting yet.

Could I be any nosier?

You could be a lot nosier. :) And nosy is fine. I don't mind nosy, I have good boundaries and, should someone ask me something "too nosy," I will just politely decline to answer. I rarely feel pestered by honest curiosity.

More questions? You can still ask!

Oh wait, I forgot to answer the part about when I started to write dirty stories.

I started writing dirty stories at about the time I came out as bisexual and kinky (they happened more or less simultaneously: "I think I'd like to spank girls. Oh."). I started reading a lot of erotica -- and most of it, then as now, was dreadful. "I'm a writer," I thought. "I can do better than this. And I should. The world needs more well-written erotica. I need more, and surely I can't be the only one starving for it." So I wrote a story, and sold it, and that was the beginning of that.

1. Why's the rum always gone?

Rum, along with vodka, is the hard liquor people drink when they don't like hard liquor. However, vodka evokes images of cold and grim landcapes, while rum evokes images of island beaches. Vodka is a little aloof, rum a little more fun. So rum is the liquor people drink when they don't like hard liquor and want to be seen as approachable and accessible, the kind of person who frolics in the warm surf.

2. Why did all the big MLS news happen today?

MLS wrongly thought that, since you were home for the day, you would have a chance to hear and absorb all the news at your leisure. It sincerely regrets the error.

3. When did you start writing and when did you start writing dirty stories? Is the one you read at Cake and Debauchery published?

Once upon a time, I was at the Clarion Science Fiction Writer's Workshop, and everyone was telling their stories about how they began writing. I didn't have a story. At the time, Clarion took place in my hometown, and I was spending a lot of time visiting my parents. So I asked my mother if she remembered how I began writing.

"Yes," she replied. "You were two years old."

She went on to tell me that when I was two, my parents held a little birthday party for me, with cake and balloons. They thought it would be fun if they wrote my name in marker on some of the balloons. As it happens, I had just learned to write my own name, and apparently I insisted on writing it myself on every single balloon at the party. "You only had one word," my mother said, "but you were determined to use it."

So that's the story I tell now whenever anyone asks how and when I started writing.

Myself, I remember I was encouraged by my fifth-grade teacher to write fiction after I turned in a story about fairies to her.

The story I read at Cake and Debauchery, "The Robber Girl," appears in one of the volumes of Ultimate Lesbian Erotica (Alyson), but I don't remember which one. It's also supposed to appear in Tough Girls 2 if I can find another publisher for that anthology.

4. Do you like to kiss? Is it all cutting off clothes and blood or do you romance your dates? Do you ever bottom? What does it take to get you to that space? Would you prefer a SAMMY bottom or someone who offers their submission up to you like a gift and accept pain as gift and/or reward?

That's a lot of questions :)

First of all, I want to say that I didn't even come close to breaking his skin. I just shredded his jeans ;)

I am quirkily romantic, if that makes sense. I do not do well with the conventional forms of romance because I do not understand them and they do not speak to me, and the very gendered nature of the tropes leaves me with no idea how to act. I'm not butch enough (or, if you prefer, not the right kind of butch) to play the butch and certainly not femme enough to play the femme. Nonetheless, I like cards and flowers and ice cream cones and cooking dinner and e-mail and phone calls and...

I love to kiss. I like to make out. It is one of my favorite things.

I like to cuddle, too. Shh, don't tell anyone ;) I like to hold hands and touch.

I am a true switch and I like to bottom as much as I like to top. I am more of a masochist than a submissive, and I am less of a masochist than I used to be, but I still like to bottom a lot. I have a hard time with traditional forms of submission because I have a huge, huge block against being asked to perform anything. Anything. If I choose to perform it, that's one thing, but being asked or (especially!) told to, that's another. And "perform" is the key word; I can be asked to do a task and that's fine, but if I am asked to do a task while other people observe me, that's bad. So anything beyond a straight masochist scene can be tricky, and hard to lay out my limits in a paragraph or two here, and requires some discussion, but I'm definitely always open to discussion :)

I like both brats and SAMs and resistance play, and submissives who offer their obedience as a gift. I'm flexible, it depends on the person and our connection. Just as I am more of a masochist than a submissive, I am more a sadist than a dominant. I'm quirky about protocol and about punishment.

More questions? Ask here.

1. Will you hit *me* with one of your shiny new toyz from the flea?

Yes.

2. Were you born with confidence, or did you have to work for it? If the latter, describe.

Only my hairdresser knows for sure. (Maybe it's Maybelline.)

The thing is, I don't consider myself a particularly confident person. (Stop laughing.) I consider myself pretty average in that department. Pretty realistic. Balanced. All that stuff.

But I'm also kind of immune to the "OMG, what will other people think?!" problem. I was watching Akeelah and the Bee last night, and every time Akeelah said she didn't want to do the spelling bee because "people will think I'm a freak," I would reply (aloud, sorry G.), "they already think you're a freak, so it doesn't matter." If you're going to be teased and despised no matter what course of action you take, you learn to make your own choices.

It's beginning to dawn on me that I had kind of a rough childhood in terms of teasing, btw.

Anyway. I didn't "work for it," but I have worked on it. I have tremendous stage fright, for example, even now. But I want people to hear my words and buy my books and stuff, so I go out and read (and sing karaoke???) anyway. I've learned to give my anxieties their own playground and not let them interfere so much with my actual actions. Except when my throat clenches up on stage and I suddenly have a mouse of a head voice, singing-wise. Never mind.

Succinctly: I've learned to acknowledge (and honor) my fears and anxieties and do what I want to do anyway. In that sense, I "worked for it." It doesn't feel like work, though. It wasn't hard. It comes pretty naturally to me.

Make sense?

Any more questions? Comments are screened, anonymous is on. I'll keep doing this until I'm tired or nobody has anything to ask me any more.

In no particular order (and edited from the original to add a few):

( Frequently Asked Questions )

Any more questions? Go ahead and ask!

When are you happiest?

Another very good question that I don't know the answer to. I know when I feel content, and I know when I feel giddy and silly, and I know when I feel warm and loved, but which of those is "happy?" Is one state "happier"? Am I too literal for my own good? Was this the most unhelpful answer ever?

When's the estimated publication date forTough Girls 2?

That's up to the publisher; I'm guessing Fall 2007.

What do you know that I don't and need to?

Hardest question yet. You guys are tough! You, Questioner, already know a lot. I think the honest answer to this is "nothing." (There's probably lots I know that you don't, and vice versa, but do we need to know these things? Too literal again? Maybe this game isn't so suited for me after all :) )

I'm evaluating my financial strategy and surveying a few friends who are in a similar situation to mine (historically self-employed, or otherwise not long-term employees in a system with matching 401K plan).

Basically, my question is: do you have a 401K, and if so, are you satisfied with that strategy as a way to save for retirement? Also, if so, has the penalty for early W/D been a blessing or a bane?

I just started a 401K two and a half years ago when I took this job I am now leaving. Before that, I had nothing in the way of retirement savings in any form whatsoever. I haven't had to take anything out, yet, and I've never had to transfer the account before now, and it seems like a reasonable but possibly not sufficient way of saving for retirement. (My company does not match.)

Ask me anything!

Answers:

1. So, what about that universe!

The last time I checked, the universe is expanding and will continue to expand indefinitely. I could be wrong, though. I once got into an argument about this once. It was odd.

2. When was your first same-sex experience, and what was it? And ditto with perverted (ie: bdsm-related) experiences.

My first same-sex experience was playing house with the girl across the street. I was about eight.

My first adult solo same-sex experience was with my ex-wife, when I was in college. She came over to my room in the boarding house I lived in, carrying a bag of Hershey's kisses and a rose, so that I could not mistake her intent.

The caveat "solo" is there because I had done some foursome-ish fooling around maybe a year or so before that.

I experimented with BDSM stuff with Steven pretty early on in our relationship. So early I can barely remember :) I know that by the time I was seeing the ex-wife, I was out as a BDSM person, and we discussed her previous bad experiences with bondage before proceeding to very mild tying up scenarios.

3. What is your favorite of your regular activities?

Reading. Cooking is a close second. Long walks through gardeny spaces might be third. Reading in gardeny spaces is not a regular activity, but it can be awful nice.

4. Now that you're working in Palo Alto, would you like to have lunch sometime?

I'm not working in Palo Alto yet :) But when I am (mid-March), sure!

5. Tell me about the last time you really wanted someone to like you.

I really, really want to give this question a good, solid answer, because I think it's a great question. But it's hard. I don't really concern myself much with whether people *like* me or not, and I haven't for a very long time, maybe before adulthood even. I don't go out of my way to be likable. Nonetheless, people seem to like me anyway...

I think the closest answer would be when I left to visit my parents for Xmas break when I'd just started dating G., and I missed him terribly, and I really hoped the feeling was more or less mutual because otherwise I was heading for trouble.