Big News FAQ, Part 1

When are you due?

Halloween-ish. (I'll stop repeating that to everyone now.)

Do you know their sex yet?

Nope. Too small.

Are you going to?

Probably.

Will you tell me?

We'll see.

Do you have names picked out?

Not yet. Feel free to suggest some. We may need spares. (See the rules, below.)

Who's the daddy?

G. is the biological father.

How do you know for sure?

Trust me.

Then what's Steven's status?

All three of us will be living together and raising the kids as responsible adult parent-types into the indefinite future. Steven wanted to be an indulgent uncle but is now leaning toward being called "Bear Daddy." "Bear Uncle" also works.

So what about last names, then?

The kids will have both G.'s last name and mine.

Are you going to have a baby shower?

When the time comes. There will be one ironclad rule, though: no games.

How do you feel?

I am hungry a lot and tired a lot. No morning sickness so far, though. Crossed fingers.

How else do you feel?

Calmer than I thought I would be. With a hint of excitement. Money worries are there, but far off on the horizon. Also, I am nesting early -- spring cleaning time plus pregnancy equals "get this stuff out of my house!"

*

Baby name suggestion rules:

1. No celebrity names, please.
2. Similarly, no names of characters in movies or books. (Sorry. My quirk.)
3. Otherwise, anything goes -- geography, history, botany, zoology.... Gender neutrality is neat but not required.
4. Names should pair well with both last names.
5. That's it, really.

Answers To Your Questions

What do you need from your friends to make this whole process more fun, comfortable, slightly less mind blowing, etc?

This is a very good question :) Your collective excitement has certainly helped so far!

I don't know how yet to anticipate my own needs, especially around the process of pregnancy -- I've never done this before! I will keep you all posted, for sure.

Right now, it helps to have people understand that I am prone to napping and favor low-key activities more than usual. Which is not to say you won't find me out dancing some night in the near future...

Offers to babysit, to cook (later) or feed us, help us get rid of some of our junk, are always appreciated. Invitations to tea, dinner, movies, etc. are also nice.

Checking in with Steven and G. is also good. I imagine they have different needs.

Also, I guess I've always assumed that your whole household will be involved with loving and feeding and changing and consoling and playing games with these little pickles, because I also assume that your extended families and chosen families will be involved in the same. Am I right?

Very much so!

Are you coming to WisCon? Should we throw a baby shower?

I am definitely coming to WisCon this year. It would be a little early to throw a shower -- I think I will be barely showing -- but I won't stop anyone :)

Who's the daddy and how's that going to work? or am I ignorant of your personal life lately?

G.'s the daddy. We're going to parent as a three-adult household. G. and Steven and I visited a lawyer last year and wrote up (and signed) a detailed parenting agreement, as well as our individual wills.

I'd ask Steven more about how he's choosing to handle his role. Briefly put, he's comfortable being in an advisory capacity, and in helping out day-to-day.

How do you maintain your equilibrium with such a rich life of lovers, partners, friends, creativity, work, and the activities of daily life?

Another very good question.

I have a very detailed day planner, and I try to be aware of and respect my own limits -- I need a certain number of nights at home, for example, or I will start to wig out. I check in a lot with my lads, and my friends, and my lovers. I try to be patient with other peoples' complicated lives. I believe in and count on good will and good communication.

And I give myself permission to let things slide sometimes. This is a big thing. If I don't write tonight, I will write tomorrow, and I won't waste energy beating myself up about it. If I can't make a tea date for next weekend, perhaps it will be the weekend after that -- or the month after, but the good intentions are there and will be acted upon. It took me a long time to realize that this is part of taking care of myself, along with good nourishing home-cooked food and plenty of sleep and taking my vitamins.

Do you think you'd be willing to take a photo of very pregnant self smoking, with another lit cigarette sticking out of your bellybutton?

Maybe, if we don't tell G. about it, and I don't inhale :) And if my belly button permits it.

What is proper etiquette with the poly/non-duo couples in not forgetting the other(s)?

Fort this sort of question, I always refer back to Drew Campbell's The Bride Wore Black Leather...And He Looked Fabulous! It's indispensible.

Basically, my rule of thumb is: if it's a one-on-one outing, like dinner or tea, it's OK to invite only one person. If it's a party or something similar, then one should invite all parties who live together as a household. If there are people who are couples/poly units but don't live together, I try to extend the invite to both/all if I know them all well, and just to the people I know, if I don't, with the implication that their partners are also welcome if they choose.

What's the thing you most hope your friends will do once the babies are here? (Or are most afraid your friends won't do?)

I hope they will babysit. I hope they will remember to invite me to stuff, and I hope they will remember I will sometimes be toting kids. I hope they will be willing to come on kid-oriented adventures with me. I hope they will still find me fun to hang out with when I am elbow-deep in diapers.

What's the most exciting non-baby-related thing in your life just now?

I am *this far* away from a big first draft!

Are you nervous?

A little. Not as nervous as I expected to be, by a long shot.

What will the living arrangements be?

Right now, all three of us -- me, G., Steven -- live together in a three-bedroom flat. Somehow, we are going to make room in there for two small babies by November. Eventually, we will have to move, but that's far enough in the future that I'm not fretting yet.

Could I be any nosier?

You could be a lot nosier. :) And nosy is fine. I don't mind nosy, I have good boundaries and, should someone ask me something "too nosy," I will just politely decline to answer. I rarely feel pestered by honest curiosity.

More questions? You can still ask!

(no subject)

Link via Eggbeater: How to cook without using recipes.

Favorite quote:

"Spend some time on the internet and you'll find a whole army of people who would like a quick word in a dark alley with Nigella and a stiff spatula, about her "freewheeling" approach to recipes. "Can ANYONE cook Nigella's recipes?" asked the Daily Mail recently. Quite. Yet even the most respected food writers get it wrong from time to time. Have you ever tried to follow an Elizabeth David recipe? It's like deciphering the wisdom of an ancient Sufi prophet. My mother has banished Nigel Slater – one of the best food writers of his generation –from her kitchen, on the grounds of a chocolate-brownie recipe that has twice failed her."

Even Nigel Slater? Oh dear.

I know that this is ironic, coming from me, with two tall bookshelves full of cookbooks. But listen here: "Recipes can be useful (and there are some in my book – if they don't work, don't say I didn't warn you), mainly for inspiration, as a starting point, for you to adapt according to what's in season or in your larder. Or, in the case of the ones you know you can trust, as a useful reminder of ratios and measurements." Which is exactly how I use mine. I freak out certain people with my own freewheeling approach to following a recipe, and I often dig up two or three versions of a recipe, compare and contrast, and then synthesize.

Speaking of food and cooking and recipes: I made a pizza with radicchio, pine nuts, and goat cheese on Saturday. Had some trouble handling the dough, and I was sad to see the radicchi, which I sauteed first, turn from a gorgeous red to a muddy brown in the pan. But the final result was very tasty, and passed the test with G., who as a rule does not like bitter greens much unless they are mellowed out a bit first. But I think the light sweetness of the goat cheese was the right choice as a counterpoint. I'd do it again.