pantryslut

I told

final_girl that I would send this in e-mail, but then I thought that some other folks out there could stand to hear this. Dunno how profound it is, but here you go.

The first thing folks always tell people in your situation seems to be: think of all the other people in the world who admire and envy you. You have books, credits, publications. You've managed to make space in your life for what's important to you. You may be envious of other people, but other people are envious of you too.

But I know that's not enough, because you think, they don't ever get to see the other side, the struggle, the failures. And that's true. Just as you don't see the other side of the people you envy, whose accomplishments throw you into despair. Not that it would help if you could. The Great Chain of Envy is actually not all that comforting a concept.

Sometimes it feels as futile as planting flowers in the pavement cracks. But the flowers grow anyway. If you've managed to bring even a modicum of what you want, need, love, into this world, then you have something to be proud of. And it's enough. It is sufficient.* It's not all we want -- and it's OK to want -- but it's enough to keep us going.

And because life isn't goal-oriented, that's all, in the end, we can do. Keep going. Keep finding fulfillment, even in the cracks and the margins and the concrete edges of our lives.

I mean, I'm working as a medical word processor right now. Tres glamorous. But there is nothing wrong with doing what you need to do to get by. Because getting by is all that we need to do, in the end. Get by and keep whole. Harder than it sounds.

I'm not saying "lower your expectations." I am saying that the universe is capricious, and somebody undeserving will always be available as a target for our frustrated need for recognition. Hey, I'm a Leo.** I got lots of that ;) And the universe, she works in mysterious ways***, and sometimes, what we need comes to us from unexpected directions. My life has taken a lot of weird turns, and I have missed a lot of opportunities. But that's OK. What I've got is sometimes so profoundly right. Once in a while is all I need.

Hope this helps, my dear midlife crisis friends. If not, I propose we start a social club.

* Passover reference intentional.

** I am agnostic at best on astrology, actually, but a metaphor's a metaphor.

*** I am also agnostic at best on the God/dess thing.