invisible

[pantryslut]

Note: I am not looking for pity or a pep talk here. I'm also trying not to sound too maudlin or whiny, but I suspect I'm gonna fail miserably on that one.

I'm beginning to feel invisible. Specifically, as a writer.

I've got stuff coming out in Bottoms Up and Blowing Kisses and hell, Asimov's in March, which really means December. And of course I have a wonderful writer's group that's very supportive of the stuff that I do. So this is not a rational feeling. I know that.

It's not helping.

Part of it is the book thing. Y'all have books. Books and more books. I have no book. Will I ever have a book again? I certainly don't have time to write one, not with a full-time job (or at least this full-time job) and all the other things I'm doing. And just to be clear, I don't want to give up those things in order to write a book, not at the moment anyway.

Besides, "a book" is such a nebulous thing. I'm not sure I have a book in me, not a gravid book, anyway. Maybe a book-seed or three.

I need a project. I've known this for a little while now, but I got distracted by other life stuff, some of which is still pending. I thought maybe the next issue of Problem Child would be it, but that doesn't seem to be working for me. (Maybe when I get to the design and layout phase. Have I mentioned that I love layout? Am I sick or what?) So I have no idea what I am looking for.

And meanwhile, I fade a little bit more every day.

Comments

[rgay.livejournal.com]

All I can say is that I *absolutely* know you how you feel.

[avantpop.livejournal.com]

Project wise -- how about a play or screenplay or graphic novel script? These don't take as much time as a novel.

You are not alone...I have published 29 books and am contracted to #43, and I feel invisible too. Really. I have never had a bestseller, my books sell marginally well and get a review now and then, and my biggest seller (at 150,000 copies or so) is an anthology I co-edited.

Having a book won't change that feeling, and I have a feeling getting a bestseller or award-winner wont either. What matters is getting the next project/story/book/whatever done, and doing the best you can. And then you move on to the next.

[boxlunch.livejournal.com]

You are not fading away as a writer! I do understand the feeling though. I'm so afraid to let go of certain things, because it feels like my writer-identity is wrapped up in them. You just need a new project. Oh man, I so so so want to have a conversation with you about this stuff. And about what we like to think of as our mutual ex gf. You will be getting a copy of Bottoms Up in a few days. It is great. You'll love it. What about our antholgy idea? We need to move forward with it. Lets talk next week, ok?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Yes, we must talk. Next week is a good starting point.

[postmaudlin.livejournal.com]

i have much to say about this -- i need a project too! -- but i am swamped at work. more later.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

I see you.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. It's a known phenomenon, and there usually is something in the context, i.e. the people around whom one hangs, that includes them not being able to see the work one does. Happened bigtime to me about ten years ago when I was committing journalism regularly for a local queer magazine, doing cover stories and some other articles or columns here and there, and I would fairly often be described or introduced as "a beginning writer" or "a hopeful" or "an aspiring writer" by people in the context of the genre where I hung out the most.

Fortunately, a very good poet friend of mine talked some sense into me, and said the equivalent of, "You write stuff like this" (pointing to one of my pieces) "and you're worried that if you don't write a science fiction or fantasy novel your friends won't take you seriously? Are you NUTS??" Well, she put it much more gently, but that was the point I got from it, and it helped.

Mind you, my troubles were different, but I think I get what you mean.

And I think it is a phenomenon that hits a lot of people and that goes unexamined most if not all of the time in certain groups I know. (Probably in some groups I don't know, too, but, well, I don't know.)

Um, blather, nod, agree, support, concur, and see & admire.

[kiya]

Counterperspective:

You have shorts out. You can write shorts.

My natural length is aboug 100Kwords. It takes me over a year to write one thing, let alone polish it and prepare it to send out. I've had a novel on pnh's desk since 2001 sometime. I see people discussing how many things they've sent out, how many rejections they've collected on rasfc, and I haven't even finished one thing in the entire timespan they're considering.

You look awfully visible to me, from where I sit in the depths of chapter seven. . .

[cindymonkey.livejournal.com]

i see you
and am looking forward to seeing / hearing / reading your work at the next group
PLUS
I love where mae west is going

i often feel invisible
and am still working on my own demons to get piece #1 published
but i bet dollars to donuts that you see me

really darlin
you are seen

[charliegrrrl.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean... I think writers are invisible, period. I mean, apart from a few top people in our winner-takes-all system, most writers sort of fade into the woodwork. I'm always struck by how many local writers there are who've published well-reviewed books with major publishers, but nobody really knows who they are. I think the cures for this invisibility can often be worse than the disease -- for example, you could stick to writing the same thing over and over again, in hopes people will start to recognize you for doing that thing. ("Lori always writes those great time-traveling alfalfa sex stories.") You could do a bigger project, not because you believe in it deep down, but because it'll get you noticed. Etc. etc. It's actually easier when you realize that most writers are pretty invisible.

OTOH, I do think short stories feed into the problem. I love writing short stories. I wish I could just write short stories for the rest of my life, but it does seem easier to get "noticed" with novels. Of course, I would kill my family and most of yours to get published in Asimov's... (and many people would regard that credit alone as proof you've "arrived" and need never be insecure again. I know people who have announced their own "arrival" on the basis of way, way less impressive short story credits.)