(no subject)

[pantryslut]

A friend asked me recently about issues of shame and self-consciousness and how I handle them. They agreed to let me post the answer in public. So here it is.

First of all, I lied when I wrote in that poem that I have no shame. And, like my friend, I have meta-shame – sometimes I am ashamed that I am ashamed. I’m supposed to be shameless and bold and a fierce no-compromise sex writer and live out everyone else’s fantasies so that I take the risks and the flak and everyone else can watch from their cozy armchairs. You will sense there’s a little resentment there. Yeah. Sometimes it’s no fun being a lightning rod, but sometimes you can’t help it, either.

So, first: I lean a lot on bravado. No surprise there.

I also talked a little recently about how I have a persona, Public Lori. She's the one who does readings. She *does* have no shame. (She wrote that line in the poem, I think.) I can put on a persona for "the public," for people I don't know well, pretty easily at this point. This is a version of the tried and true strategy "fake it 'till you make it," and it works very well for me when dealing with strangers. Not so much with friends and lovers, though.

But underneath that: I am a cussed, contrary bitch. My contrariness is pretty fundamental to who I am, and it doesn’t take much to trigger it. All I have to do at that point is make sure I follow through. Don’t think it’s right to talk dirty? Play in public? Play like that in public? Fuck you. Just watch. And get out of my way.

The rest, well, I’m still working on. I’m not an exhibitionist. I don’t actually like attention – when it’s bad, it means judging and critiquing and cutting down to size, and when it’s good, it means other people’s expectations projected onto my skin, and I never know what to do with that. It makes me itch.

I still have huge problems around being/feeling shameless and genuine at the same time. I am always looking for new tricks to fool my own head. But it’s so, so a work in progress, always. I am massively self-conscious, all the time. It doesn't take a lot of work to freak myself out. But with a little bit of effort and a little bit of luck, I can turn the dial down to merely self-aware.

I think this is as close an answer as I'm going to get right now -- a handful of arrows pointing in a few different directions. This feels incomplete, but better than shrugging my shoulders and saying, "That's a good question. I dunno," which was my first reaction :)

Comments

[badgerbag.livejournal.com]

That is a great answer or beginning of a longer one.

"I’m supposed to be shameless and bold and a fierce no-compromise sex writer and live out everyone else’s fantasies so that I take the risks and the flak and everyone else can watch from their cozy armchairs. You will sense there’s a little resentment there. "

Exactly... I wonder how many of us feel that way? I notice a lot of feminist women saying this - not just around sex - whether it is a common feeling to anyone in the public eye - or how much of it is common to all people who are saying Difficult Things - Or is it harder/more intense to be female and attract all the extra flak for that cussedness?

I would add, too, in typically overcommenty fashion, that I feel weirdly like I was raised by my parents to be that lightning rod contrarian and to say and do all the things that they don't dare. So I get irritated when it seems like that's my assigned role in my extended family, to be a whistleblowing scapegoat.

And once you assume that role in a particular community, people know that all they have to do is whisper a little spark about something unjust, or messed up, or whatever, and you'll catch fire and start kicking ass, and take all the flak, and their problems get fixed. That dynamic develops even when people aren't doing it on purpose. And I just have to believe that someday, everyone will speak up, or will act in brave and shameless ways as much as they can!

Er, blah blah blah! Someone answer, or I'll be embarrassed!

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

I just have to believe that someday, everyone will speak up, or will act in brave and shameless ways as much as they can!

Along with nadinelet, you've inspired me to be brave. Watching you be uncertain about your strip tease for black_pearl_10 helped me feel that it's okay to do such things and NOT be perfect. In fact, it's even sexier when it's obvious the person is taking a personal risk. I went home that night and decided to do a strip tease for nadinelet's birthday because I want to be among the brave and shameless as well.

Argh. Once again, I'm worried that I'm putting pressure on someone to be a role model for me, but that's not what I'm trying to say at all.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

There's a difference between being a role model, especially a peer role model, and a surrogate.

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

Another good point. I don't want anyone to be my surrogate because I want to be doing those things for myself! I want to be crawling across the stage wearing custom fangs while "Sister Midnight" plays, not just watching someone else do it!

[imnotandrei.livejournal.com]

I would add, too, in typically overcommenty fashion, that I feel weirdly like I was raised by my parents to be that lightning rod contrarian and to say and do all the things that they don't dare. So I get irritated when it seems like that's my assigned role in my extended family, to be a whistleblowing scapegoat.

I can understand the irritation -- but also value the role.

In my high school, I was the one everyone looked to to bring up the question that whatever bigwig was addressing us in chapel or assembly didn't want asked. I'd hear people start to murmur "Question", mimicking my intonation when I'd use it, when the time came, because they wanted to hear what I'd say -- not because I was inherently all that interesting, I suspect, at least to them, but because I was contrarian, and because I asked questions that bigwigs didn't want to hear.

Once I realized I had that role, I played to it; it helped me find a niche in a school environment that wasn't terribly friendly when I first arrived.

But I can certainly understand why having the role imposed upon one could drive one up the wall.

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

I hope this doesn't put pressure on you, because that's not my intent at all, but finding out that you're a shy person too has helped me in some ways work through my own shyness. I don't think I'm really any less shy than I was before, I've just found ways to work around it. It helps to know that I have friends who do the same thing and, in a way, it seems braver than actually saying that someone has overcome their shyness.

I wanted so much to chicken out at the last minute for the strip tease at your birthday party, but I knew I'd be disappointed in myself if I did. For as much as I wanted to give YOU something to smile about and show you how much I appreciate your friendship, it was ultimately a selfish act. I wanted to do it for myself to prove that I could do it. To prove that I'm not doomed to be a wallflower for the rest of my life.

I hope that makes sense and doesn't make me come across as a completely self-centered person.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I think it's a very good sign that there was something in it for you as well -- I'm not sure I'd've wanted you to do it if I'd ever thought otherwise. Selfishness and generosity can coexist just fine :) Just as bravery and shyness can. And in this case, everybody wins. (Well, everyone who was there ;) )

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

Good point, thank you. :)

[badgerbag.livejournal.com]

I forgot to say that I love the contrariness, nadinelet!

Do you think when other people project their expectations in that skin-itching way, that gives you power? I mean, a power you might not necessarily want to have if you are sort of an anarchist. It gives away, or attributes, power (and thus, the hostility of the judging & critiquing along with the projection) to the fierce & shameless.

(Perhaps shameless means that for a little bit, you act as if you don't care what other people think. and other people find that powerful and dangerous.)

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I often don't care what people think, except insofar as it can come back and limit my choices in the future. Maybe I'm more shameless than I think :)

Of course when people project their expectations onto me, they give me a form of power. But it's a form of power I not only don't want very much, but also don't really know what to do with. (At least in a constructive way. I could get all ego-fixated and snotty and self-absorbed, or at the very least self-aggrandizing and spotlight-hogging, but that's not where I want to be.)