A Night at the Lammys

[pantryslut]

I went to the Lambda Lit reading at the library this evening, partly to support G., partly to support all my other friends who are nominated -- including final_girl and freakysparks.

I can admit, now, to mixed emotions at the beginning of the night. I am not nominated (although somebody mistakenly congratulated me for my nonexistent nomination at the book table). I am not in any of the books that were on display. In fact, I was cut from two of them at the last minute. That, combined with my recent illishness and my even more recent unhappiness with my career arc, made for a bit of mood instability on my part. Nobody noticed, I think, but I was really on the verge of tears for about half the night.

But I can't see so many friends, and hear such fabulous words spoken out loud, without feeling uplifted. I felt so fucking proud when final_girl read her second poem and I whispered in G.'s ear, "I published that." So fucking proud, and so moved. And then I did cry.

I am a part of this, aren't I? I'm not just some little fly-by-night author/editor with a couple dinky credits to her name. For those of you surprised to hear me say this -- you all are probably used to my usual self-confident face, and yes, that's who I am most of the time, it's not an act. Usually I feel unrecognized, not untalented :)

Tonight, it didn't matter, because it was bigger than that. You are all amazing writers, and I am honored to know you and to do what I can to support your work. I mean it. I am at your service. And happy for it.

Comments

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

well, if it helps any, during my moving I've been trying to weed out zines I don't want anymore. While going through my sex zines, I kept saying, "god, Lori's in this one too!" You've done good stuff, ya know?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

It does help, actually. Thanks.

[postmaudlin.livejournal.com]

you are SO a part of all this. it meant SO much to me that you were there. i read that piece in part because you were there and you published it, btw, fwiw.

and, i didn't congratulate you on your nomination because i "know" better, but i could have, simply because you perennially represent the best of the queer lit that's out there.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

It was the Lammys that brought us together, and I won't ever forget that.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

...if only because my knees still remember that climb to Katherine Forrest's house :)

[postmaudlin.livejournal.com]

i've been laughing all day about that. but still, there wasn't EVEN a party last night! is it better to climb for a party, or not to climb and no party?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Yeah, what's up with no party? Is that why they plied us with hors'd'ouvres instead? Not the same!

(sniff)

[black-pearl-10.livejournal.com]

Dammit, why did I have to read this at work???!!!

You hid your feelings very well. I wish I could do the same here at my desk.

Thank you and I love you.

G.