(no subject)

[pantryslut]

Today I am angry at The Ethical Slut.

I've been struggling with some jealousy issues lately, so I thought I'd peruse its relevant sections.

Confession: I have never read the Ethical Slut before. By the time it was published, I'd been in an open relationship for several years, and it was working just fine, so I never bothered.

It has some good advice (not just on jealousy). It also has some really annoying moments.

For example, on competitive feelings. Basically, it says, "competition is icky and wrong! We're all unique individuals and once you learn to appreciate that, competitive feelings will seem so silly! You can't compare apples and oranges! Don't you feel enlightened now?"

In other words, right in the middle of a bunch of babble about acknowledging your feelings and opening yourself up to them, it more or less shames you for feeling this particular one.

Thanks a lot.

Comments

[fattest.livejournal.com]

Grrr.

[felicks.livejournal.com]

I never read that either until I started dating someone who wasn't into poly. I skimmed it before loaning it to her. It seemed OK, but with a number of yuckynesses like that.

[rgay.livejournal.com]

I've read the book and while it did have informative moments, most of the time I felt like the book was telling me I'm not evolved enough if I don't do poly the way the book says to.

[susannochka.livejournal.com]

ooh! jealousy was my theme for the week.
happy hour next week maybe? or sometime soon?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Yes! When next week would be good for you?

[susannochka.livejournal.com]

how about Wednesday or Thursday?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Let's make it Wednesday.

[susannochka.livejournal.com]

Wednesday works for me. 3/2, yes?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

3/2. 5:30, Ginger's Trois? I'll make a posting about it sometime soonish.

[susannochka.livejournal.com]

hurray!

[amarama.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I LOVE how uncool jealousy is in poly world. It's my favorite. Actually, sorry, anger is my favorite. I LOVE being told I'm bitter and that I should get over things, and that everyone should get along. Or if I were a good lesbian everyone would all be getting along. LOVE IT.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

To their credit, they definitely don't say this about jealousy -- just competitive feelings. Still, bleah.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

P.S. we can be bitter and angry together!

[amarama.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping that between my upcoming trip to Europe and the Prozac that I'll be cured of all negative feelings and arrive home in two weeks a happy poly automaton. If not, you're on.

Hahahaha.

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

Bitch, we're getting married. get your dress on and be at my house at 7:00. Don't be late.

Re: Hahahaha.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Just for this, I added you to my friend's list. Had to.

Re: Hahahaha.

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

you know, 7:00 came and went that night, and ain't nobody show up. I cried myself to sleep.

Re: Hahahaha.

[amarama.livejournal.com]

What happened to all your Walmart comments? Hey, I can't go this weekend because I'm going to Europe for two weeks, but let's be LJ friends and get together when I'm back, after March 13! xoxo

Re: Hahahaha.

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

sure! sorry about the deletion - it had my phoney in it, which, although I give it out easily, does not need to be in a public forum.

[kiya]

I've read TES once. It was okay, I guess.

I'm still looking for a well-known book about poly* that has the slightest bearing on what I do, though. I may have to write the fucking thing myself.

[alexiflex.livejournal.com]

Dossie is a dinky...went to her 4 times before I realized that she hadn't said one damn thing in the visits I had with her...I wish I could get paid a C-note for 50 minutes of scribbling in my notepad.

She was probably doodling anyway...

[imnotandrei.livejournal.com]

I went to her for one session, in that "try and find a therapist" process...I thought to myself that she was just waaaaay too *comfy* -- that she wasn't going to challenge me. So I found one who did.

[amarama.livejournal.com]

When felicks and I were together, we went to her once for couples' therapy, too. Not a total disaster, but close. Her sand tray was impressive, I have to say.

[alexiflex.livejournal.com]

*comfy* is a really nice way to say it...I'd call it...sleeping

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

Umm, yeah, she talked about herself more than she talked about me. That was good.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

*sigh* It's an article of faith with me, perhaps in a very literal sense, that labeling any kind of feelings as icky will bring those feelings out to play in their least constructive form.

On the other hand, the only thing I've read in TES is elisem's well-known alt.polyamory FAQ, which I love.

[teawiththecheat.livejournal.com]

Have you ever read Redefining Relationships by Wendy O'Matik? I found what she has to say about jealousy helpful.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Flipped through it at the bookstore, looked good, but got no further so far.

[teawiththecheat.livejournal.com]

I got a copy you can borrow...I'm in 302. *knock, knock* "Lori is that you?"

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

I had a similar response. It made me think, "So it's only okay to feel my acceptable feelings, but I should be ashamed of the others?" When I already have a full plate, conflicting advice from the same source is NOT helpful.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

No, not at all.

I am particularly aggrieved at this because it's so goddamn hippy Californian to blithely denigrate competitiveness in particular rather than help learn to cope.

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

Competitiveness IS something I have a problem with. I compare myself to the other women and, of course, always feel as if I come up short (no pun intended). Logically, I know it's NOT a competition, but emotionally it's a little more difficult for me to grasp. I already feel bad for feeling this way and it only made me feel worse to have a finger shook at me for it.

I'm so glad you made this post. Not only for the content of the post itself, but also for the content of the comments. Sherilyn and I have actually been considering seeing Dossie, but now I'm not so certain. Especially since we can see our former couple's therapist for free through the tg clinic, we both like her, she's seen us both individually, and she knows our history. Those seem like a lot of points in her favor to me.

[firebirdgrrl.livejournal.com]

Excellent point; from my experience in polyamory, if you shove down the competition issue, it will bite you, espescially if someone is doing something competitively(1). Saying it's bad to feel it can open up a big can of not-good...

I say feel it and deal with it, then things have a better chance, but as always, that's the way it works for me.


(1) Whether they have read the book or not:)