(no subject)

[pantryslut]

freakysparks asked, back when Question Hour was open:

“How do you manage your jealousy?”

Here’s the belated answer. The short form: in lots of little ways, in the hopes of finding something that sticks.

For example: I’m planning on switching to a non-hormonal form of birth control soon, just in case some of the emotional upheaval is enhanced by the presence of whatever-it-is in my bloodstream.

I’m also considering talk therapy if it comes back again with any of the strength of the last time.

I try to make sure I have something fun to do every time someone has a date, so I don’t sit at home and work myself into a tizzy. I’ve also asked a certain someone to check in after every date.

I’ve asked, too, for more specific play date time in the future.

I’ve suggested that the certain someone who is the focus of most of these jealous feelings lately wear, uh, a token of our relationship whenever he goes out on dates. We haven’t done this yet, I just came up with the idea last week. But actually I’m rather proud of it, and I think it might help a lot with certain of my anxieties. It won’t make them go away, but it’ll give them a concrete focus and form of reassurance.

I’ve also decided to put a lot more energy into taking care of myself and treating myself well. It’s easy for me to either let other people in my life do this for me, or lose track of it entirely, and get too busy doing other things. As an introvert, too much going out can be very tiring, even when it’s close friends that I like. So I’m trying out ways of indulging myself. Wooing and dating myself, as it were. I actually wrote out a pledge to myself to this effect when I was at my lowest recently, and it helped. I’m going to buy myself flowers, and cook good food for myself, and take long scented baths, and spend afternoons in bed with myself. Not because nobody else in my life is doing that sort of thing for me, but because I want to do it regardless of who is in my life.

Finally, I am trying to de-stress and cut back on some of my time commitments, because sometimes I think I decide I am in a scarcity situation and freak myself out that way.

Does that answer your question?

Comments

[debbieann.livejournal.com]

ohhhh I love the part about treating yourself well - flowers, baths, food. I try to do that too.

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

I like the token of relationship idea! And I think it's a really good idea to woo yourself.

I find the hardest time I have with my jealousy is trying not to own it. I always want other people to hear me and acknowledge my feelings, but I'm not always so great at doing that for myself.

So I'm trying to get away from "I'm not jealous!!!!!!!" to more of an "okay, okay, you're jealous, it's cool - what's wrong??" and kind of having discussion with myself, and trying to figure out what i need.

pssst

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

and if you're ever interested in talking jealousy stuffs with me, that'd be cool. i often feel like the One and Only Jealous Poly Person in the Universe!!! and god damn that's a lonely little freak show!

Re: pssst

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

i often feel like the One and Only Jealous Poly Person in the Universe!!! and god damn that's a lonely little freak show!

I'm fairly new to polyamory and, though I've been getting a lot of support from my friends, it's always nice to hear about people who are struggling with jealousy. In theory, polyamory makes perfect sense to me, but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to handle the emotions that rush to the surface when I think about my wife making out with someone besides me.

Re: pssst

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

My sweetie would like me to watch (occasionally). Sometimes the idea is hot, sometimes the idea is so uncomfortable I'd rather be in another state than the same room.

Re: pssst

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the idea is always hott, but i'd totally need an emergency exit that wouldn't fuck up anyone else's fun.

Re: pssst

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

I was totally inclined to just be flip (no disrespect intended, I'm just flip and sarcastic sometimes) and say "Make her let you watch." and then i'm like, okay, eww. in theory - hott. in practice - would probably not help be deal with jealousy any better.

Re: pssst

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

in theory - hott. in practice - would probably not help be deal with jealousy any better.

Heh. Actually seeing her making out with another woman is what caused the jealousy to make itself known. I was okay with it in theory, happy for her even, but when it was happening less than 10 feet from me, it was scary and overwhelming. I didn't like seeing her tangled up with someone else all giggles and cuddles, it made me feel unattractive and unimportant. Now, when I think of her going on a date, my mind helpfully dredges up that uncomfortable mental image and plays it over and over and over. :(

[freakysparks.livejournal.com]

It does. Eloquent and well-thought-out as always. This kind of thing (jealousy, the emotion we are not supposed to feel) is so hard -- Thank you.

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

I try to make sure I have something fun to do every time someone has a date, so I don’t sit at home and work myself into a tizzy.

I’ve asked, too, for more specific play date time in the future.

Those are two things I'm going to do/have done as well.

I’ve suggested that the certain someone who is the focus of most of these jealous feelings lately wear, uh, a token of our relationship whenever he goes out on dates.

I thought about asking for this then realized that that's what those silver bands on the ring finger of our left hands are. (Duh!) I don't feel right asking her to wear anything else, but I've asked for a bit of her hair to wear in a locket around my neck when I'm feeling the need for a bit of extra reassurance. I'll probably wear it more often than not, so that its weight around my neck doesn't turn into nothing but a reminder that she's out on a date.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I thought about asking for this then realized that that's what those silver bands on the ring finger of our left hands are. (Duh!)

:)

I don't feel right asking her to wear anything else, but I've asked for a bit of her hair to wear in a locket around my neck when I'm feeling the need for a bit of extra reassurance. I'll probably wear it more often than not, so that its weight around my neck doesn't turn into nothing but a reminder that she's out on a date.

This is a good idea, too.

I can't ask for a lock of hair :)

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

well, maybe not from the head.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Don't think that didn't occur to me.

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

Hah!!!

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

Or me. :)

[black-pearl-10.livejournal.com]

Besides, my hair doesn't exactly come in, um, "locks". A tumbleweed of hair?

The vision of a sheep shearing party comes to mind.

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

I can't ask for a lock of hair :)

That made me grin. Hrm... Maybe matching necklaces?

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

Maybe we should start a "Poly People who Actually get Jealous Sometimes" side show, and charge admission for people to see us.

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

*laugh* YES! Lord knows I could certainly use some help paying for my therapist.

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

We can have a machine with pellets they can feed us and everything.

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

Chocolate pellets. And maybe some cheese.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Are you sure we can't make it a petting zoo?

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

Heavy petting?? Cus then I'm all in.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Hey, if you do, I'm in.

What???

[chubbycore.livejournal.com]

There's no way there's more of us. Quick, someone call National Geographic!!!!!!!

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Well, he did give me the plague (http://www.giantmicrobes.com/calamities/blackdeath.html) the other day...

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. GOD. That's one of the best presents EVER.

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

That's so romantic. I love the expression on the flesh-eating bug. So . . . innocent.

[abostick59.livejournal.com]

No spirochetes or gonnococci? They're missing a bet or two.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Give 'em time. I remember back when there was only one line of critters (the one with the common cold).

[manomano.livejournal.com]

Some people find that jelously comes from actually meeting the 3rd (or 4th or nth) party. I find that it actually comes from the idea of the other person. Upon meeting them I (and this works for my sweetie too) usally say "Oh yeah, go ahead and do them."

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's been a case recently where I haven't already met the nth party before any sort of hook-up was in the works, as it happens.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Which is not to say your general point isn't valid. (I have to say it: The Ethical Slut agrees with you ;) )

[manomano.livejournal.com]

Ah. Had that book on my bookshelf, lent from a friend, for years. Never could get past the first few pages. I hate books that try to talk you into something you're already trying. Like diet books. This is the best diet ever! Before we tell you how to do it, we'll explain why it's so great! Dude, I'm already poly, I don't need you to convince me.