shame addendum: on privacy

[pantryslut]

Oh yeah, I also meant to say something about privacy.

Privacy and secrecy are not the same thing.

I think that us sex-positive, loudmouthed, expressive and indomitable types sometimes forget that. We know that being public and upfront is one way around shame. In fact, we often try to cut off our enemies and get there first -- you can't pull up my skirt and titter because I'm already flashing my panties in your face, ha ha. Ain't nothing to be ashamed of under here, and this is one way to prove it.

Secrecy is about information you *have* to keep under lock and key, or else something bad will happen.

Privacy is about information you *choose* to keep to yourself, for any number of reasons.

I think that under many circumstances, privacy can be a healthy thing. Especially because of the lightning-rod, projecting of expectations dynamic I talked about in my previous post. People can't project onto what they can't see.

I think cultivating privacy can, paradoxically, help me to be more shameless over time. It gives me time and space to work things out on my own before I take my act on the road, as it were.

Comments

[i-ate-my-crusts.livejournal.com]

Yes, absolutely.

I believe my sexuality and relationships are private things. I'm not ashamed of them, but I want to be the one who reveals information to people about my intimate affairs, not have someone else reveal them for me. In particular, I don't want people to reveal them in order to further their agenda... which I've had happen far too often.

[nnaloh.livejournal.com]

This is a balance I mull over a lot. Still taking it case by case.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

I think this is really interesting. Is that your own distinction between privacy and secrecy, and if not, where did you get it?

I could answer a bunch of this at length, but here's one piece I know I disagree with: "People can't project onto what they can't see."

We project onto what we can't see all the time. We project onto the blank spaces that define what we can't see. We project onto our guesses about what's in the stuff we can't see.

I've never been in the center of the sexual vortex; people project very different things onto me than they do onto you, and I (project that) we also project ourselves onto others in different ways. I think maybe projections onto sexual outlaws are different in both degree and kind than other projections, and thus people can't project in certain kinds of ways on sexuality and sexual choices they can't see.

How does that square with what you meant?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

That's my own distinction between privacy and secrecy.

You're right that we project onto what we can't see all the time. Probably a more accurate way of putting what I meant would be: but I can't feel it, the way that I can feel the expectations projected upon my public self. This might not be true for other people, either.

I think the way you put it is different, but also true, and important. Thank you for refining that for me.

[badgerbag.livejournal.com]

I love this... I've been trying to think about this stuff too and ... well, not really getting anywhere new. Thanks!

[slfisher.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Believe it or not, I've been stumbling on the distinction between those two right now, while raising my child, and I'm happy to have your definitions. May I steal them, giving appropriate credit?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

By all means, do.