I know, this one's going to be chronic.

[pantryslut]

Yesterday, a teaser ad for an upcoming news story: "How to make your kids as fit as they can be" (about knee injuries, not fat, btw).

Today, an LJ comment about how every parent should teach their daughters self-defense instead of instilling "the culture of fear."

I can't *make* my (still potential!) kids fit. And I can't *make* 'em reject fear culture. Because you know what? I am not actually in control of all their input. (And if I tried, that would be creepy and abusive, thx.) Not even close. I am important, but I am not the determining factor of their attitudes and behaviors.

Nor is it an indication of "hard wiring" if I try to teach them one thing and they prefer another instead. You know these are autonomous beings, right? And sometimes they will choose something for other reasons than a) it's built in or b) parental or guardian unit said so?

No?

Then go away. I don't want to talk to you.

Comments

[radiantsun.livejournal.com]

What an awesome post! I agree. You can be a part of their input, but not their entire source of input . . . and they do make their own decisions.

I like Barbara Coloroso's "How to win at parenting without beating your kids" book on tape because she seems to convey that message as well, that you (the parent) will not always be in charge of making their decisions.

[black-pearl-10.livejournal.com]

Yay! Ninja babies!

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

:)

[rednfiery.livejournal.com]

on a positive note, having children teaches one (or enables one to hone) the very worthwhile skill of "ignoring that which is annoying" . i've been employing that particular skill quite a lot lately, especially in regards to the news/news media. ;)

maybe i've told you this story before...if so my apologies for being repetitive...but when heather was five and we were in the middle of some struggle together, she looked me right in the eye, in full defiance mode, and announced quite confidently, "you can't make me. you can't make me do anything i don't want to do!"

i stopped short. oh shit, i thought, she figured that out a lot earlier than trav did...!

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

I positively adore you.

*sigh*

[mollena.livejournal.com]

I spent a good 10 seconds thingking "Hm. What has this post to do with the sticky icky? Not a peep about pot in there."

That I realised you typed "chronic" NOT The Chronic.

okthxbai

Re: *sigh*

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Hee!

I am afraid I am a teetotaler (in that regard, and in others), so you may safely assume I am probably never referring to that particular substance.

[rivetpepsquad.livejournal.com]

You are awesome.

[irontongue.livejournal.com]

I understand what you mean about not having control over your kids because they're autonomous and there's no guarantee you can instill any particular attitude.

I'm confused by the self-defense example, though. To me, "instilling the culture of fear" is about people who drive their kids 10 blocks to protect them from being kidnapped - in North Berkeley - or who won't let their kids play in the front yard - because they might get kidnapped - or won't let their teenager, who is a brown belt in karate, take the bus from Oakland to Berkeley for safety reasons (real story about someone I know, who was a martial artist herself).

On the other hand, giving your kids some self-defense lessons is giving them a tool, the same way showing a kid how to sew a hem or cook or change the oil in a car is giving the kid a tool. You can't control whether the kid will become a martial artist or a great cook and you don't know if the kid will like cooking or not. Or, getting closer to things that are strong innate preferences, trying to turn your femme or butch kid into a butch or femme.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

The original commenter meant more or less what you say here -- that parents should teach their daughters (intentional gendering here) some self-defense skills instead of teaching them to be scared walking down the street at night alone. And, in fact, that they didn't need to be afraid *because* they had such skills.

Which is actually relatively good advice, except that this person also clearly expected such teaching to *take*, without interference from any other outside factor. With the implication (intended or not) that if it didn't, it's the parents' fault.

And I'm not OK with that.

Or, as you say, you can give a kid a tool, but you can't control whether they will use it. Exactly.

I have other critiques of that particular attitude (self-defense "versus" fear), but they're tangential.

[irontongue.livejournal.com]

Thank you - I understand that. As you say, many different factors affect kids, their attitudes, what they learn, and so on. The parents don't, can't, and shouldn't control all of those things.

There are critiques to be made of that stance as well - among others, there's no guarantee the skills you have will be sufficient for any particular situation; the broad stretch from reasonable awareness of what might be dangerous to assuming everything is, etc.