Just For The Social Record

[pantryslut]

For the record, I am a good listener and super curious about everything and always want to hear all about it. This is why LJ has been so very good to me.

However, I am also shy, so how/when to ask the questions to start these convos often escapes me.

Sorry.

To top off this little social sundae, I was raised by wolves...er, by graduate students who were too busy raising four kids plus pursuing their theses to actually, you know, have any friends. (At least once they stopped smoking pot.)* So I really have no idea how to make polite conversation. Even sincere polite conversation, much less small talk. I wasn't acculturated into any form or style of interaction. I wasn't acculturated at all...

I'm really good at answering questions, though, if that helps. And no subject of conversation is ever inappropriate around me :)



* Which happened, at my best estimates, around when my brother was born, so I was six. I was young enough and they were circumspect enough that I don't actually have any memories of them indulging, only circumstantial evidence. And a cute anecdote about my dad's hospital intake and my mom's shame, but even that's second-hand.

Comments

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

That makes two of us. I often fear that I'm being rude or boring even around people whom I've known for years and am sure actually LIKE me.

[imnotandrei.livejournal.com]

Just as an information point: I do not believe I have ever found you rude or boring, or anywhere close.

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

Aww. Thank you. *hug*

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure I'm not rude -- although I'm afraid I might be if I actually inquire about...just about anything, because I have no idea.

Boring, though...

[cheekytubemouse.livejournal.com]

I've never felt that you were rude OR boring.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I've told you this before, and I'm not telling you looking for strokes, but I've always assumed you didn't like me, which to be honest, is okay with me if it's true, though if it's not true, I wouldn't mind knowing that, either. (And I'm also aware that the truth is likely to be anything from "pantryslut doesn't like me" to "I'm hopelessly self-involved and she doesn't think anything about me one way or the other" to "She's shy and quiet and would talk to me if she could think of what to say" to any number of other things. But seeing that I AM self-involved, I usually go for the explanation that's all about me me me first. Which in turn reminds me of when my therapist once told me that paranoia and megalomania were two sides of the same coin, in which the sufferer was convinced that people in this world actually bothered to spend time thinking about her at ALL.)

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Nah. If I really disliked you, I wouldn't bother reading your journal -- honestly, I have better things to do with my time, like raise twins :) But that also cuts the other way, if you see what I mean.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yeah. In my misspent yute, I couldn't imagine liking someone who I perceived as not liking me much, but I got over it. And I like you for reasons entirely having nothing to do with our interactions, which have been minimal over the years. (Things like your politics, your parenting, your writing...)

Seconded.

[voyeurprincess.livejournal.com]

I am just terrible at small talk. I answer questions, though! And if the other party/ies are able to hold up their own end by asking/answering, we do all right. I am eternally grateful for the born hostesses and schmoozers, though.

[manomano.livejournal.com]

As an adult I had to learn that my best way of engaging in polite conversation is to ask questions. People love talking about themselves, so usually a few questions opens them up and gets them going.

But then, I was raised by a psycho interrogator.

[bunnybutt.livejournal.com]

Wow. And all these years I've been intimidated by you as so much more socially well-adjusted than I am.

We've met, but I doubt you would remember me. Desperately shy myself, I generally assume people don't.

But I read you regularly, admire you from afar, and would love to knit things for your twins if getting things from strange fangirls on LJ wouldn't be too weird.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I fake being socially adjusted really well sometimes.

I got knit things from my mother's graduate students for the twins, and I can't imagine this would be *more* weird :)

Where did we meet?

[bunnybutt.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the delayed response, internet connection woes + taxes.

Will keep you in mind next time I am inspired to knit baby-sized (and twice!) and thank you for indulging me. Sometimes the baby patterns are just so darn cute.

Where did we meet. Well, back in ancient history (aka the early nineties), I read all the queer perv zines and went to bunches of readings and such. There was enough superficial resemblance between us (glasses and haircut + fat, mostly) that I would occasionally be mistaken for you, and I recall speaking to you once at some event ("in the mission" is about as specific as I can get) about how we really don't look alike at all...

then I got distracted by the internet, moved 2 hours away from the city, got involved in an all-consuming relationship and didn't see anyone for a decade. So I'm pretty sure I'm just a stranger on the street to you, though we know tons of folk in common.

Next time I see you in public I promise to suck up my own shyness and say "hey".

[fattest.livejournal.com]

Shyness is a hard thing all around. I usually figure that people who don't ask questions aren't interested. I guess when I'm the less shy one I need to get better at initiating conversation, rather than letting the silence trigger my own shyness. I suppose another way of saying that is that perhaps I shouldn't take shyness personally. But it's also not easy to know. I suppose having someone announce that they're shy could be my clue. ;)

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I am one of those people who, when I go into interviews (job or otherwise), makes sure to write down a bunch of questions so I have something to ask. I'm told that this is the solution to small talk as well, and I might just have to try it.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

It's always comforting to find someone else who thinks that "people who don't ask questions aren't interested."

[smallstages.livejournal.com]

We are similar! I am shy and awkward (raised by the afflicted), but have dealt with it by developing finesse at getting other people to do all the talking. People often think I'm GREAT but don't know anything about me at all. And then I whine. As you've seen.

I'm still lobbying for brunch, by the way. What if I pitch in a free babysitter? I have a great one, with references, and he would love meeting your family. He also works at Children's Fairyland and is named Little Timmy Neighbors.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Oooh, a babysitter! Let me discuss it with the lads, but we're still conditionally on.

[goodbadgirl.livejournal.com]

You are a very good listener. Excellent actually.

Sigh. I am missing my peeps today.

xoxoxo

[whittles.livejournal.com]

You and heliocide have a similar way around this, including the raised by wolves thing.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I did an interview with my mother a couple years ago that I just dug up, and she talks about how she is totally awful at social interaction. Shyer than I am, just to start, and she worried that she couldn't teach me useful social skills in that department and I would end up lonely and friendless as a result and that made her sad.

Amusingly enough, my father can talk to anyone. At any time. About anything.

[aquenigmatic.livejournal.com]

OK, first of all, I just am overwhelmed with the urge to say that I find you and this post adorable in its vulnerability and pillar-of-strength, heart-of-gold, brainiac thing you got goin on there. Typical.

I can also relate to quite a bit of what you say.

You can always ask me anything. (This goes for anyone). I have a high-scoring evasion attribute for uncomfortable topics, or I will politely decline to answer.

I hope I'm getting better at asking questions. Your mystery entrances me and then I look in your eyes and get mightily distracted sometimes. But I've always been very curious about you. So I will continue to ask away, because I find you fascinating.

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

I have a high-scoring evasion attribute for uncomfortable topics, or I will politely decline to answer

Some of us awkward types are dumb at recognizing evasion. We take it at face value and ask further (uncomfortable) questions because we don't realize. Myself, I prefer the direct polite declination, even to the point of "Well, I'd rather not talk about it. Tell me about xyz instead." (To which my reaction would be "Oh, I'm sorry. Xyzabc...." I may not be good at taking a hint, but I can take a direction just fine.)

[aquenigmatic.livejournal.com]

I'll keep that in mind should it ever come up with you when next we meet.

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

(...and you will have the advantage of me. Your f'list suggests that we move in similar circles but I have no face for the name.)

[aquenigmatic.livejournal.com]

Same here. Well, possibly in advance of meeting you, it's great jaw-jacking with you here. And maybe see you sometime. :)

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

This is hard.

I can't tell if you like me at all and that makes me feel awkward in my interactions with your family. I come to play with your babies and I can't tell if I'm being welcomed or just tolerated, if that makes sense. I never feel particularly greeted, so I can't tell if you yourself like having me around, or if you see me as S's friend who comes over sometimes. (I'm also uncertain of G, fwiw.)

[black-pearl-10.livejournal.com]

You've got no worries. I'd even say you're being a bit silly.
If I didn't like you, I'd wouldn't let you spend time with my kids. You also wouldn't be on my friends list.

There are several things going on that you're seeing.

One is that we're trying to give you and S space when you're here. You two don't get a lot of time together. I do that when pantryslut's special friend is over too.

Two is that most of the time, we're still sleeping when you come by in the mornings, or at least I am.

Third is that I take advantage of you when you're with the kids. :) I try and get the stuff done that I couldn't do while I'm watching the girls.

You can ask the other housemates, I've been openly surprised when you've slipped out without me seeing you go. Feel free to hunt me down before you go next time.

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

Um.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lumped you in with L in that way. I mean, it's not clear to me whether she is making a statement of fact ("this is me; lump it") or a request for help ("I lack skills; help me") but regardless, you didn't make that posting.

(And everything you say makes a lot of sense for you but doesn't address what I said about L.)

Thank you for your reassurances. But hey, I *said* it was hard. Please don't tell me I'm being silly. It discourages me from opening up like this. (Think of this as practice for when the girls get older.)

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I wasn't asking for help.

Otherwise, what G. said stands for me, too.

See also what I said to serenejournal, above.

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

Weren't you? Were you just saying "This is how I am, and I have no intention of changing"? 'Coz that's not how it sounded. It sounded like you've noticed a pattern that puzzled you.

I'm really good at answering questions, though, if that helps.

It helps a little. But other people are shy too. It helps if you share the work of the conversation by asking some questions too.

(And that bit where I said "I never feel particularly greeted" -- I meant that in a literal way. You may be hella glad to see me, but I can't tell.)

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I said I wasn't asking for help, I titled this post "for the social record," and I asked exactly zero questions in the post text. If this isn't enough evidence for you that I wasn't asking for help, I don't know what might be. I am frustrated at not being taken at my word here.

Further, there is a distinction between "I want to change this" and "I want/need help to change." As it happens, I don't yet know if I want to change it, but even if I do, I know I don't need or want any help. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, I just need to get over my shit. Or not, if I decide it isn't worth the time and effort. We'll see.

As for greeting -- I am often distracted, busy, sleepy, or otherwise preoccupied when you arrive, as noted earlier. I am also not the most emotionally effusive person ever. If I let you over the threshhold, you are welcome in my house. If you (or anyone else) require(s) more reinforcement, I am probably not a good person to give it and you will probably be disappointed. Is this, too, something I might want to change? Maybe. Do I need help or advice on how? No.

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the direct answers. I do appreciate that.

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

I like you and I think I met you once, and have met G once and we had a long talk about baseball. I never have met S that I know of. If I saw you again I would ask you a million questions about your work and your babies, and probably talk your damn ear off, which I do with everyone. I lurk at your journal (moreso since reading your comments around Racefail) and this post made me think: I have the opposite situation (not problem; just situation) -- I can small talk with the best of them, immediately hit it off with most people UNLESS they want someone to have a deep conversation about feelings and processing ... that stuff, I can only do with my very closest friends (such as one you know, stopword). Everyone else gets the chitchat, which isn't idle or meaningless since I really do want to hear about the writing and the babies.... But a lot of people seem to find chat/small talk so odious that they don't want to do it at all, ever.

[vgqn.livejournal.com]

I learned early on that asking questions is a good way to get started, though I eventually felt like even being a good listener wasn't a sufficient contribution to the conversation. And sometimes the convos got a little too one-sided for me (some people just don't reciprocate asking questions at all).

I remember meeting people in my 20s who were great storytellers and wished I could tell stories like that too. Somewhere in my 30s it finally occurred to me that this skill wasn't going to just happen spontaneously (for me, at least), so I made a more conscious effort to figure out how good storytelling worked. And yes, I sometimes even make mental notes about what I might talk to people about before I attend a social event. If I don't, I can still be astonishingly tongue-tied ("How was your trip to X?" Me: "Uh, fine." -- what a conversation closer!).